I’ve lost faith in the fact that things fix themselves. They seem like they’re fixed but they’re just hanging by on thin strings.
I let go of the people that I thought were making me happy and I’m trying to replace them with people that actually do. I think that if I’m constantly looking for love in people I’m not looking for it in myself. Like love is how hot chocolate tastes on a cold night, or how a mother’s hug feels when the world seems to be crumbling on top of you but it’s so much more than just myself and other people…
It’s like the world is looking for ways to attack, not protect. It’s like it’s looking for ways to break me down. Looking for ways to make life harder than it already is and I don’t know how to change that.
I slept till 4 pm today. I woke up feeling like death had ripped my face off but I looked even worse. I haven’t washed my hair in 4 days. It looks like I’ve gone through the forest foraging for food but the maximum I’ve done is gone to my fridge. The only thing that’s kept me alive this week is the rain.
And i hate the rain, it makes me feel empty but this week, it’s made me feel raw. Almost alive. Almost… enough for myself. It’s not just a someone I’m looking for, it’s a something. I’m looking for a sign that’ll tell me that life is worth living. I’m looking for a sign that tells me that survival is all that matters.
How long can I cry over the past? It feels like I’m mourning someone that left years ago, but I’m just mourning the loss of my reality. What makes me feel okay is something I know isn’t good for me. How can I turn my life around when it feels like everything’s gone flat? How long will I look at Instagram profiles afraid to send DMs because I’m sure that they could never like me? How long will I look at myself in the mirror and feel unworthy?
It’s like I’m living my worst nightmare but I don’t know how to talk about it. Hell, I don’t know how to write about it. Pen to paper feels like I’m searching for answers in myself but who’s to say that the answers aren’t in myself anymore? What if they’re in someone else?
And everyone’s telling me you don’t need love, you need to love yourself but tell me that when you believe it yourself.