Fractured.

I’ve lost faith in the fact that things fix themselves. They seem like they’re fixed but they’re just hanging by on thin strings.

I let go of the people that I thought were making me happy and I’m trying to replace them with people that actually do. I think that if I’m constantly looking for love in people I’m not looking for it in myself. Like love is how hot chocolate tastes on a cold night, or how a mother’s hug feels when the world seems to be crumbling on top of you but it’s so much more than just myself and other people…

It’s like the world is looking for ways to attack, not protect. It’s like it’s looking for ways to break me down. Looking for ways to make life harder than it already is and I don’t know how to change that.

I slept till 4 pm today. I woke up feeling like death had ripped my face off but I looked even worse. I haven’t washed my hair in 4 days. It looks like I’ve gone through the forest foraging for food but the maximum I’ve done is gone to my fridge. The only thing that’s kept me alive this week is the rain.

And i hate the rain, it makes me feel empty but this week, it’s made me feel raw. Almost alive. Almost… enough for myself. It’s not just a someone I’m looking for, it’s a something. I’m looking for a sign that’ll tell me that life is worth living. I’m looking for a sign that tells me that survival is all that matters.

How long can I cry over the past? It feels like I’m mourning someone that left years ago, but I’m just mourning the loss of my reality. What makes me feel okay is something I know isn’t good for me. How can I turn my life around when it feels like everything’s gone flat? How long will I look at Instagram profiles afraid to send DMs because I’m sure that they could never like me? How long will I look at myself in the mirror and feel unworthy?

It’s like I’m living my worst nightmare but I don’t know how to talk about it. Hell, I don’t know how to write about it. Pen to paper feels like I’m searching for answers in myself but who’s to say that the answers aren’t in myself anymore? What if they’re in someone else?

And everyone’s telling me you don’t need love, you need to love yourself but tell me that when you believe it yourself.

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Love.

I am all of your worst fears.

I am anxious, I am insecure, I am nothing you will ever need. I will throw you to the wolves and never look back. I cause agony. I am the fire to your desire, but the flames I set can burn you to a crisp. I wreak havoc on all those I have ever loved.

Perhaps that is why I believe love is nothing but a passionate spin on lust gone wrong. Because I can never keep love. Love is my ultimate enemy.

Love makes us believe that we are someone that we are not, we change ourselves just for lackluster affection, just to feel complete. We are two halves, and when we are put together, we become whole.

Why is it that we are not whole when we are alone?

Maybe we’re just afraid of being lonely, spending our lifetime without anyone to share it with, without anyone to be at home with; we’re so scared of being alone, we find ways to label lust as love, and ways to be with people who will never be the ones we want. You cannot pour your “love” into a half-empty soul and expect to feel whole again.

We’re all just filling the void that has encompassed our souls. We get wasted on our preconceived notions of happiness. We smoke our lungs into chimneys in order to feel, getting as high as the sky can take us. We spend days evading who we are.

And the truth is, we need to accept our fate, because how can you ever truly love unless you are your authentic self?

You see, I do not understand love anymore. It tears you to pieces, you’re a pile of rubble, trapped in your own loneliness. He doesn’t look at me the same anymore. Sometimes he doesn’t look at me at all.

I do not understand how to love anymore.

How can I make you feel like you belong with me? How can I make you believe I’m the one for you? I cannot throw myself under the bus for your insecurity, I cannot allow myself to watch you be happy around someone else, someone that’s not me.

I do not know how to make you love me again.

I don’t fall for boys that will rip me apart and try to put me together again. I’m the hurricane that destroys everything in her path, but this time you’re ruining me and I can’t explain why. The way you have me wrapped around your pinky, I shrink in your presence, I am lost in your embrace.

I do not know how to ask you for the love I deserve.

Never did I think I would be the one to be submissive, I am a small, angry girl but your anger is beyond what I can perceive and I need you, but you can’t love me like I love you. I am a whirlwind, I constantly require the depths of intimacy, I cannot handle your fragmented ideals but I cannot leave you. I am bound to the way you make me feel, the numbing touch that you carry with you, the superior aura that entices me. I am not your toy. But I would be one for you.

And I do not understand love anymore.

It breaks me every single time.

Sinner.

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How could I expect you to understand how it even feels?

How could I ever expect you to think of anyone other than yourself?

You’ve changed. I now understand that the person I knew was nothing but a shadow of the person that you truly are, and it breaks me to see the true you. You were the one thing keeping me whole, and as I sit here, 3 am on a Saturday night, I wonder why I can’t bring myself to pick up the pieces again.

It’s like clockwork. I remove myself from toxicity, only to be plunged into it again. Why is it that they find my fragility an invitation to tear me apart?

I think what hurts the most is acknowledging that you’re okay without me. My heart may wander off, it may go to a million others, but it’ll always belong with you.

You aren’t any different from those who have broken me before, but I am so much stronger now than I was when I first plummeted into darkness. My heart knows more now, and it does not need you, however much it may want you.

How is it that my heart cannot bear to see you with anyone else, but it cannot stand to be with you anymore?

You’ve ruined everything good you had in me. I was a different person with you, brighter, better, bolder. You made me the person I had always wanted to be, but maybe now I can see that being her wasn’t worth losing the true me.

I was proud of myself for being true to you, for believing in your love, for managing the distance. But you have ruined love for me. You have ruined my belief in the sanctity of love, you have sworn me off of anything that could remotely pierce my newly stone cold heart. Because you have done things that I could not even fathom. You became the person you denied you would ever become, and I realized when people called you a liar, I should have believed them.

And just because you were all I wanted, and all I ever needed, doesn’t mean it all crumbled when I finally realized that I could have you, even with our limitations. I could conquer the ocean for you, but you couldn’t conquer your own fears. I guess that’s where we lost ourselves.

Perhaps miracles only lie in our sins, and forever sinners we will be.

I have sinned for accepting your love, for the purity of love will forever play a broken record, resonating in my mind. It knows that you will forever be my gravest mistake. I know your truth is nothing but beautiful white lies, laced in ecstasy, and I have broken my own purity.

How is it that we love the people that will always break us?

(image via tumblr – http://theknivesunderthesheets.tumblr.com/post/172421943650/the-weeknd-call-out-my-name)

Unattainable.

I’ve learned that the person you want is never the person you get. That you can spend months pining for a boy that gave you fleeting moments of attention but never truly loved you, and you’ll still be head over heels for days to come. You’re enamored by the past. Eventually, the person you wanted fades, and all that’s left are memories that you aren’t even sure happened.

Sometimes, the person you want is standing in front of you, plain and simple, utterly unattainable. Often, wants trump needs, but understanding the workings of a human in lust is beyond anything that anyone could ever determine. Love isn’t a big deal anymore. Love is easy. Love won’t break you.

It’s the what if. What if he could have loved me? What if he could’ve stayed? What if he looked at me like he looked at her? What if it was my fault? That’s what kills you, that digs into the very fiber of your being and turns your stomach into a knotted ball of anxiety. You’re left with dreams, living with happiness and him in your tiny mind, wishing with every nerve in your body that you don’t have to snap back into reality, because reality will always be your living hell.

You eventually stop wishing he’ll text you. Stop hoping he’ll ask how you are. Stop needing to secure his validation. Eventually, he breaks you, and you accept it with open arms. You have no choice.

Because you realise it wasn’t what it seemed to be. He wasn’t who he said he was. The promises he made weren’t meant to be kept. They weren’t promises made to you, he will continue to speak words into the abyss but you must know that they were empty, that they were futile, that they were to please you. Every moment you spent with him didn’t mean as much to him as it meant to you, and you know it’s easy to blame him for the pain he caused but you allowed it; and for that, you reap the seeds that you have sown.

Sometimes it’s alright to accept that you were whipped; hook, line and sinker. You couldn’t have stopped the fall into the abyss that you spend months avoiding. He was everything you wanted, but nothing you needed. He was everything that you warned yourself against. You weren’t happy before him. You aren’t happy after him.

You ignored the warning signs. You ignored it when he was wouldn’t kiss you anymore, when he wouldn’t talk to you in the same way, when he stopped telling you you’re beautiful. But you ignored it all.

You give out chances like they’re for free, but you’ll never stop to think about the repercussions on your heart. Even though you’ve begun to start asking when you’ll think about yourself, you still won’t go the extra limb to protect the limited shards of your miserable soul.

He’ll always be stuck at the back of your mind. Don’t let him encompass your thoughts. You aren’t his anymore.

He isn’t yours.

Symphony.

I see symphonies in you.

The world is no longer in muted tones, it sings to me, it is in screaming color. It is deafening, but I crave its intensity.

I cannot stand lackluster anymore.

I need your music.

I am lost in you. I am no longer an empty shell; I have searched far and wide but I do not see ache anymore. I do not see pain; I do not sense suffering.

I am no longer hollow.

No longer skin and bones.

You have ignited my fire. I burn steadily, my cheeks ablaze with your whispers of sweet nothings. You could drive me to the brink of insanity, and I’d be willing to crash.

I have become the poster girl for infatuated.

The epitome of desire.

You have captured me. Hook, line and sinker; I have taken my heart and willingly given it away. There is no chaos in my heart, no sickening feeling of slowly sinking into the depths of my deepest, darkest despairs.

There is only calm.

There is only you.

I am fragmented, and you are piecing me together. I feel alive in your embrace, a sickening sensation of deceptive truth that I cannot bring myself to stay away from. It’s magical, how much of myself I have given to you, parts of me I’ve never even shown myself before. How can I be so naïve as to trust you so easily?

I am chaotic.

But I have found the calm to my storm.

i think.

i think i feel different now. maybe the way he kisses me makes me feel more human, the way he looks at me and smiles like I’m worth something, the way he’s vulnerable and kind and more than anything i could ever be.

i think i realize now. that most people that start off together aren’t meant to stay together. that we’re all meant to keep looking for the one person that makes us feel like a cold ice tea on a hot summer day.

i think life is clearer now. i’ve been broken and bent. it’s not pretty, it’s not something i want to scream out to the world. but i am. i’ve let boys take me to other worlds, only to bring me back lonely and attached to a disfigured reality.

i think it’ll be easier now. he looks at me and i’m awake again. the ends of two worlds colliding. i don’t ache so much anymore. my heart is heavy so often but i feel like my cloud is slowly lifting.

i think i know what goodbye means now. the way i shipped off the last one, not hoping for anyone new. the way i let him go. the way i’m letting the new one go too.

i think i know that staying isn’t my decision now. he’s going to leave anyway. they all do. i have to remind myself of the sordid reality that my life is, but maybe this once i’ll slip back into a foggy illusion. i’ll let him take me to mercury this time. the other planets don’t mean much anymore.

i think i’ll be okay now. because the roses are redder, and the grass is the most beautiful shade of green. it’s wondrous to see the world in brighter tones. because i finally have hope again.

i think i’m happier now.

Regret.

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Look, I’m a wreck. I’m hardly your favorite person. I know I don’t keep you up at night. I’m sure you’d rather you didn’t have to deal with me. I know. I know.

But I used to look at you, and the sun would shine brighter. Days seemed to be more beautiful, so beautiful that even though they’re long, I could look at you and nothing else could or would matter. You see, I have fallen in and out of love more times than I can count. My heart beats to a broken-down tune, of sorrow and belief. I know I’m not in love with you anymore.

I view people as challenges, you see. From friendships to relationships, I see everything as a hurdle I must pass to get to the end of the struggle that humans become to me.

God, I am tired of fighting a battle I seem to never be winning. I am tired of life, I am tired of this game, I am tired. I’m tired of all my anger. I try to hold it in, but I can’t. I just can’t. I feel complete with you. Like my heart could be beating faster than my brain can comprehend, like I could be so full of rage but being with you would make everything feel safe. Make me feel safe. But you don’t want me. It’s not my fault I’m hard to love. It’s not my fault that you couldn’t give me what I deserve. It’s not my fault.

Honestly, I don’t think you ever did.

You’re not a challenge to me. You’re too real to be true. And my friends don’t understand why you mean what you mean to me. Why I keep going back to you when the next boy I talk to makes me feel small. Why you make me feel worth something when I feel like I’m worth nothing at all.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt the way I felt about you. It was immensely strong, for however little it lasted. And you gave me a lot, and I’m going to thank you for it. I keep replaying the night I told you I loved you, and I keep thinking that I could’ve just stopped myself from even getting there. I don’t regret it. It’s bullshit, I know. I haven’t liked a guy since you. I don’t know how to function around boys anymore. You’ve put me off them if I’m honest. I don’t bother anymore because I just expect the bare minimum, and you really didn’t even give me that. So why should I bother when I’m getting nothing from them? It only ends with me feeling like I do now.

I’m always going to worry about you, and love you. But I’m tired of feeling like I’m chasing someone that isn’t even actually there. I don’t hate you. I want to, trust me.

This was a long time coming, and I’ll learn to cope without you. The thing is, I don’t think I’ll ever be without you.

I keep reminding myself that maybe you would’ve kept me around if it wasn’t so hard. If I wasn’t so hard to deal with. So hard to love. So hard to keep.

I have spent far too long writing odes to your messy brown hair, lying to the world when I say it doesn’t make me feel the way the way Romeo felt when he woke up to find Juliet dead. When I know you make me feel like I’m witnessing my own murder. You stab me in my heart time and time again. I sit and write about you till my fingers are numb. Hoping you’ll disappear. Hoping you’ll come back. Always hoping.

I’m mourning something that was never truly mine. You’re a ball of fire. Constantly blazing. Searching for me to throw your anger at and waiting till I crack. Waiting till I lose myself again and tell you I love you. Waiting till you feel validated.

I see you, and I see red. I see my pain plastered across your name, I see that you’re the master of my fate. I gave you power against me. You’ve used every last drop.

At the end of a dark tunnel, I’ll always see your face. I know it’s not what you want me to see, but I’ll always look for you in crowded rooms, in scattered theme parks, in the ramshackle cave of my aching heart.

I’m always going to feel out of place without you. Like a fish out of water, restless without the warmth the ocean gives it. Without the warmth you gave me. You’ve always been a mystery to me, like the depths of the ocean and the emptiness of space.

Funny thing is, you make me realize I deserve better every time we speak. You make me realize I’m chasing after someone that’ll probably never stop treating me like shit. I’m tired of feeling like I owe you something. I’m tired of feeling like you’re the only one that can love me because if what you gave me was love, I don’t think I want it anymore.

Pining for you still will be my deepest regret.