2016.


New year, new me.

Cliché, I know.

But I’ve learnt that life is about change.

Inevitably bitter, yet tantalizingly sweet change.

And it’s all worth it, in the end.

You see, we’re all stuck in the past, running through our mistakes over and over again, playing them on a loop like a generation that can’t be bothered about what’s coming.

The future seems rather bleak, the present is a bad gift, and the past, it’s comfort.

Moving forward seems like a journey without the comfort of the basics that life has to offer, that letting go, or moving on is something so difficult that we’d rather be stuck in a cage, a cage of memories, a cage of sadness, a cage of pain.

Holding on has never done me any good, but I have become a miser of sorts, sabotaging my happiness for the taste of sweet deception. Perhaps I’m not willing to keep letting my inability to accept change, to accept happiness, to accept that sadness is not a way of life, it is an inherent tendency and it cannot take over my pride, my joy, my sanity.

And this I must do, I must accept that I am heading towards a downward spiral, allowing myself to be influenced and driving myself, slowly, to the brink of destruction. Soon I shall be about to topple over the edge, with only a string keeping me from cascading into inevitable calamity.

I’m stuck in a limbo, in this prison of my sorrows, I cannot leave and in a twisted way, it seems like I do not wish to.

I’ve realized that my heartbreak is what defines me, that my past is who I am. And I’ve come to think it’s only me that can’t let go of my past, of the people that have loved and left, and the memories that I refuse to forget.

I know now that I must not be confined to the ideologies of society, I must not be confined to the hue and cry of my peers, of my family, of my loves.

Yet I keep letting people become barriers to my growth.

And this year, all I want to do is grow.

I want to find myself, to rise from the rubble of the disaster that have shaken me, to must pick up the shambles of my past, and become the person I truly desire to be.

I must find my true self.

 

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