Risks.

When people tell me to live in the moment, I couldn’t be more envious of the way they live life; taking risks, jumping into opportunities, and being with someone without thinking about the futility of it all.

I’m constantly thinking about whether all the people in my life right now, will exist in my heart by the time I’m 26. More often than not, I know that most of them won’t. Maybe it’s because I know who I am, and I know how I act, or it’s because while being so young, and still making all your decisions based upon what your future is going to be, you become this stereotypical idea of what an adult is.

And when you become that, you know who belongs with you, and who doesn’t. You learn to kick toxicity to a curb, and live for yourself. Maybe that’s the dream life; to be able to stay away from people that hurt you, to be mature, kind, responsible and guarded.

I think I’ve always wanted to be someone that fits into that exact definition, but isn’t it boring? Isn’t it almost the exact opposite of what I should be and what I used to be?

How can I live if I keep believing that my dreams are futile? How can I live if I don’t risk it all?

Have I become scared of society, so much so that I don’t even live for myself?

My life is full of normalcy, and the minute I take any sort of risk, I am filled with regret, and it pains me to feel it.

Perhaps it’s because my risks include playing with people’s hearts, giving it a try and then tossing them to the side. Perhaps it’s because I am so determined to wash away any sense of normalcy, that when people find out what I’ve done, I am plunged into a deep, wretched mourning. I am consumed with guilt due to actions that I have willingly taken.

So why is it that people say ‘be yourself’ and ‘live in the moment’? Why is it that when they tell you to ‘take risks’, you are judged once you do? Why is society so hell bent on preaching self love, but hating us once we do it, citing selfishness as the reason why they’re so bitter?

Society never practices what it preaches.

Maybe that’s why we’ve all become so twisted. Our opinions have become what society dictates; we’ve never been taught to know ourselves better than anyone else ever could.

But the fact of the matter is that the only person that can truly know someone completely, is the person themselves. The thing we don’t see is that we’re warriors, we fight battles with ourselves just to learn who we are, we slay our obstacles, we rise over our enemies, and we conquer.

Yet we’re all still afraid. We’re so afraid that we fail to understand that we are miniscule particles floating in a never ending universe, fighting for a place in this cruel world. But we have never stopped to think that what we do now will be imprinted in the stars forever, and if we don’t make our mark, we will be lost to the Earth.

We only get one life. And even though I am beyond afraid; I still shake in my boots when I see the word change, when people tell me to jump, to say yes, to make my mark.

But I will rise to the challenge, and I will not fail. I will embrace risks will a warm heart. I will charge, taking the bull by it’s horns, and we shall meet as equals in the battle ground of life.

The only person worth fighting against is yourself.

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