I’ve learned that the person you want is never the person you get. That you can spend months pining for a boy that gave you fleeting moments of attention but never truly loved you, and you’ll still be head over heels for days to come. You’re enamored by the past. Eventually, the person you wanted fades, and all that’s left are memories that you aren’t even sure happened.
Sometimes, the person you want is standing in front of you, plain and simple, utterly unattainable. Often, wants trump needs, but understanding the workings of a human in lust is beyond anything that anyone could ever determine. Love isn’t a big deal anymore. Love is easy. Love won’t break you.
It’s the what if. What if he could have loved me? What if he could’ve stayed? What if he looked at me like he looked at her? What if it was my fault? That’s what kills you, that digs into the very fiber of your being and turns your stomach into a knotted ball of anxiety. You’re left with dreams, living with happiness and him in your tiny mind, wishing with every nerve in your body that you don’t have to snap back into reality, because reality will always be your living hell.
You eventually stop wishing he’ll text you. Stop hoping he’ll ask how you are. Stop needing to secure his validation. Eventually, he breaks you, and you accept it with open arms. You have no choice.
Because you realise it wasn’t what it seemed to be. He wasn’t who he said he was. The promises he made weren’t meant to be kept. They weren’t promises made to you, he will continue to speak words into the abyss but you must know that they were empty, that they were futile, that they were to please you. Every moment you spent with him didn’t mean as much to him as it meant to you, and you know it’s easy to blame him for the pain he caused but you allowed it; and for that, you reap the seeds that you have sown.
Sometimes it’s alright to accept that you were whipped; hook, line and sinker. You couldn’t have stopped the fall into the abyss that you spend months avoiding. He was everything you wanted, but nothing you needed. He was everything that you warned yourself against. You weren’t happy before him. You aren’t happy after him.
You ignored the warning signs. You ignored it when he was wouldn’t kiss you anymore, when he wouldn’t talk to you in the same way, when he stopped telling you you’re beautiful. But you ignored it all.
You give out chances like they’re for free, but you’ll never stop to think about the repercussions on your heart. Even though you’ve begun to start asking when you’ll think about yourself, you still won’t go the extra limb to protect the limited shards of your miserable soul.
He’ll always be stuck at the back of your mind. Don’t let him encompass your thoughts. You aren’t his anymore.
He isn’t yours.