I am all of your worst fears.
I am anxious, I am insecure, I am nothing you will ever need. I will throw you to the wolves and never look back. I cause agony. I am the fire to your desire, but the flames I set can burn you to a crisp. I wreak havoc on all those I have ever loved.
Perhaps that is why I believe love is nothing but a passionate spin on lust gone wrong. Because I can never keep love. Love is my ultimate enemy.
Love makes us believe that we are someone that we are not, we change ourselves just for lackluster affection, just to feel complete. We are two halves, and when we are put together, we become whole.
Why is it that we are not whole when we are alone?
Maybe we’re just afraid of being lonely, spending our lifetime without anyone to share it with, without anyone to be at home with; we’re so scared of being alone, we find ways to label lust as love, and ways to be with people who will never be the ones we want. You cannot pour your “love” into a half-empty soul and expect to feel whole again.
We’re all just filling the void that has encompassed our souls. We get wasted on our preconceived notions of happiness. We smoke our lungs into chimneys in order to feel, getting as high as the sky can take us. We spend days evading who we are.
And the truth is, we need to accept our fate, because how can you ever truly love unless you are your authentic self?
You see, I do not understand love anymore. It tears you to pieces, you’re a pile of rubble, trapped in your own loneliness. He doesn’t look at me the same anymore. Sometimes he doesn’t look at me at all.
I do not understand how to love anymore.
How can I make you feel like you belong with me? How can I make you believe I’m the one for you? I cannot throw myself under the bus for your insecurity, I cannot allow myself to watch you be happy around someone else, someone that’s not me.
I do not know how to make you love me again.
I don’t fall for boys that will rip me apart and try to put me together again. I’m the hurricane that destroys everything in her path, but this time you’re ruining me and I can’t explain why. The way you have me wrapped around your pinky, I shrink in your presence, I am lost in your embrace.
I do not know how to ask you for the love I deserve.
Never did I think I would be the one to be submissive, I am a small, angry girl but your anger is beyond what I can perceive and I need you, but you can’t love me like I love you. I am a whirlwind, I constantly require the depths of intimacy, I cannot handle your fragmented ideals but I cannot leave you. I am bound to the way you make me feel, the numbing touch that you carry with you, the superior aura that entices me. I am not your toy. But I would be one for you.
And I do not understand love anymore.
It breaks me every single time.